All over the nation a new sport is gathering a thrusting momentum. It's called Air Sex. Much like Air Guitar, each athlete (for lack of a better word) pantomimes sex to the song of their choice. After each performance there's a panel of judges, much like in American Idol, to offer their critique, but ultimately the winner is chosen by the viewers. Last week, The Satellite (formerly Spaceland) hosted the Air Sex Championships. With a PBR tall boy in hand I proceeded to watch the greatest sport on Earth!
The festivities began with a Zack Galifianakis look-alike tonguing the air and grabbing the head of an invisible woman. His hips pumped the air in great horny enthusiasm. He mocked pulling his pants down and pulled out his "cock". I could tell by the great care he took in laying his lady down and eating her pussy, that he really cared about this invisible girl. He also looked as though, and from the rest of the crowds reaction, that in real life he was probably pretty good at whatever it was he was pretending to do. He stuck his faux penis in and pumped. He finished. The crowd clapped. It was a beautiful thing to watch a burley man show the world what he would do to a woman. And I imagine that since he was the host, he most likely got a few numbers based on his performance alone. But that was only the beginning.
The first contestant was a tall, bald hipster by the name of Coochie-X. He chose a soft sensuous song. He started out sitting on the stage talking to his "girl" in what I can only assume was either a park or maybe a living room floor. He began to make-out with her. Then Coochie-X put her on her back and went down on her. He made sure to pay attention to her boobies while he air licked his partner. We all kept waiting for him to pretend to get naked but he joyously ate, fingered and rubbed the place where the girl was supposed to be, the entire song. The announcer had to actually put an end to the performance to get the bald hipster out of his invisible pussy trance.
Next was Duke Dickalot. My curiosity was piqued when he requested a chair, yet quickly put to rest when he slated his performance with, "This is me having sex with a fifteen foot woman."To the wonderful sounds of "Back That Ass Up", Duke's scene started by knocking on the giant's door and meeting her fifteen foot gaze as she opened it. In order to make out with her he stands on the chair. It is quickly clear that this fifteen foot woman has extremely large breasts since he uses two hands to lift and suck on each one. He then motorboats the ginormous boobies. Since this large woman has an equally large snatch he skips the usual finger work-up and goes strait to fisting her. From there he graduates to two fists. Duke Dickalot then wow'd the crowd with his finale. He got off his chair and shoved his entire upper body into the giant vagina of the imaginary fifteen foot woman. By far the most creative spectacle of the evening.
The following act was the worst display of frat boy jockhood I had ever seen. He called himself Mr. G-spot. He had clearly been preparing for his exhibition all month. He came out with a cape on and quickly disrobed to exposed a hairless by Nair and steroid-induced musculature. He wore no clothing except for two "Censored" signs attached to a pair of tighty-whitey's covering his crotch. He danced like an egotistical male stripper and the only people cheering were his frat-boy buddies. When he finally started to pay-attention to his "partner", it was clear that he was going for pure comedic shock value and had never really ever been with a woman in real life. He put the girl in the chair. He put her legs on his shoulders, which was the only decent thing he did in his two minutes of fame. But as he began to mime going down on her he backed away, wafting the air and plugging his nose. As if he even knows what pussy smells like. Then out of his goody bag he grabbed a face mask and Febreeze air-freshner. He put on the mask and sprayed the chair down. Since his mouth was now covered he pretended to finger the poor girl. By this time I was so over this so-called Mr. G-spot that I went to the bar for another tall-boy and a piss break. Lucky for you, I attached a video where he moves on to fist her.
While I was at the bar/taking a tinkle, a girl went up who was equally horrific. I actually rushed out of the bathroom to see her hopping it'd be fun to watch a girl. I caught the last few seconds of her act and realized that she spent the whole time on her knees giving her "husband"? a very bad blow-job. She held his cock in one hand and the microphone in the other. Into the microphone she asked him to contribute to the grocery list in a monotone voice, "Butter? Eggs? Milk? Ok I'll get that anything else?"
Now I didn't come to the Air Sex Championships to watch the kind of sex people pray to never have. I wanted to see the kind of sex people would cut off their left pinky to have. I wanted to get a peek into the kind of closet kink factors you could only legally perform in pantomime! Not some bored housewife asking "do we need butter?" with a testicle in her mouth. It would have been funny if she was giving what looked like an Amazing blow-job but it was a pretty shitty one from where I was standing.
After her there was Premadonnature. One of the better acts for sure. To MJ's, "Man in the Mirror", we watched him prepare for his date, who I guess was waiting for him in his own bedroom. He psych'd himself up in the bathroom. He flexed. He got on the floor and did three crunches and three pushups. Flexed again. Then he trimmed his ball hairs. Most of us thought we could see where this was going. We all waited for him to start jerking off to his own image. But with all the same disappointment of a premature ejaculation, he walked into the "room", made-out with his faux chick and then came in his pants.
Next was another fucking weird performance from an Italian guy who judging by his lack of English, was fresh off the boat. Carlo Alberto, and I think that was his real name, he requested two chairs. I thought "Ok this is gonna be good." But then the music started and he tied both girls up, placed them in their chairs and began to back-hand the shit out of them! Then punch them in their faces. He pulled his cock out and raped their mouths going in and out as fast as he could, yelling, and slapping his way through it. He then grabbed the girls bobbies and sucked on her nipples. And then it was over to the total disbelief of the audience that we just witnessed an Air Rape of two innocent invisible women.
To save the day, was La Maricona, the other woman performer. She announced that she would be competing as a representative of the Lesbian Community. Beyond gettting an authentic look into lady sex, she was by far best pantomime with enthusiasm. She brought her beer with her up on stage. The music started and she was making out with her lady and digging for her keys. She pinned the chick agains the door as she made out with her. She got into the apartment and pinned the girl up against the speakers on the stage and kissed and groped the air-boobies. She moved to the floor and licked the girls snatch. She picked up her beer, took a sip and then actually dribbled her beer on the carpet/faux lady carpet. The crowed cheered and I'm sure most of the girls in the room got beer showers from their boyfriends that night. But that's not even the best part. Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, La Maricona mimed armoring herself with a strap-on. She air fucked the girl with such realism that every man had a hard-on and every woman had moist panties. She pulled the strap-on out of her faux lesbian lover and fucked the girls mouth with it. Bravo. La Maricona. Bra-vo.
After announcing the semi-finalists, Mr. G-spot, Carlro Alberto( god only knows why they qualified), and thankfully La Maricona, the three were told they had to perform to a mystery song. Which ended up being three Disney songs from The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. G-spot and Carlo ended up doing more of their horror shows they call sex. But La Maricona, she once again brought the goods. And by goods I mean her beer bottle. She won because she shoved a beer bottle into her imaginary girl friends' pussy to "I Can Show You the World" from Disney's, Aladdin. Isn't that sweet?
Here is the recap for the Los Angeles Air Sex Championships! This is not the order they went in, but you get a good taste of the action.